“Danielle Smith went from being ‘In A Relationship’ to ‘Single’”, was what the front page of my news-feed on Facebook read at 7:38am that morning. As if crying myself to sleep and the urge to text message him wasn’t enough, now all 587 of my friends would wake up and read the same thing. Not that I had even really slept, due to the uncomfortable mattress and the teddy bear that reeked of whatever scent of Axe he decided to spray all over it, but my goal that unbearably sunny Monday morning was to wake up early and run a few miles on the beach to release stress. Apparently I can’t even leave the beach house without indulging myself in a cup of coffee and of course checking my Facebook notifications, two addictions that I have not yet attempted to quit… one vice at a time, one day at a time.
7:38 in the morning? He couldn’t even wait a full day without letting our whole social network of friends know that we were done for good. Maybe it was the fact that exactly a year ago I was sitting on the same deck watching the waves crash onto the sand, with an open heart and a careless mind. Maybe it hurt more because the exact week we started dating in 2006 was the same week he picked to end our relationship in 2007. My family rents out a beach house in North Carolina every summer a few weeks before school starts, it’s supposed to be our week to “get away” before reality hits again. Reality hit me hard this year, but a few weeks too soon.
Driving a thousand miles in my brand new black 2007 Honda Civic was not my idea of fun, not to mention the fact that my ten year old little brother was placed in the backseat. Delirium sets in after nine hours of straight driving, especially when you’re not even allowed to smoke a cigarette because you have a child in your car. My best friend Christina and I were determined to make the best of the drive. Our mothers had packed us a “snack bag” fully loaded with every sugar filled candy you could imagine, 3 IPOD’s, and about seven Cosmo magazines. I kept my cell phone on my lap and every time it rang I would almost jump with excitement for no reason, must have been all the sugar right? I should have caught onto something; I should have gotten a clue when I didn’t even receive a phone call or text message from Michael asking if I had gotten there okay. Yes Michael is his name, or Mike for short… saying his name used to cause butterflies in my stomach, now it just makes me want to throw up. 6ft, 2 inches tall, brown curly hair, gorgeous hazel eyes, and a smile that could make you weak in the knees, of course the little dimple on the left side of his cheek didn’t help much either. I guess I was too distracted by the animal noises coming from the back seat that my brother had perfected by the time we reached Nags Head, too distracted to realize that not one phone call had been from him.
I glance down at my watch, 7:42am… I made a vow to myself that I would be on the beach at 8am running up and down it until my legs gave out. Walking inside, I attempt to not make a sound, but of course my mother is awake in the kitchen. That woman can read me like a book and without me saying anything knows that I’ve been crying and haven’t slept more than two hours. You know the saying “Mother Knows Best”? Well, it should be hanging on a poster in neon pink letters above my bed. Mom has always hated Mike, actually despised him to be exact, considering the first time she met him she was kicking him out of my bed at 4am last August, great way to make a first impression. She gently leans in to kiss my forehead, picks up my chin, and demands me to smile. If only she knew how hard I’ve been trying to do just that, slowly a tear rolls down my face.
Out of breath I stop, bend over resting my hands on my knees. Running is like an escape for me, subconsciously I think I felt like if I had run fast enough, far enough I would have escaped my problems, escaped him. But three miles later and completely gasping for air I only reached the next town over with the same view of the beach and the same aching heart in my chest. I must have replayed it over and over in my mind at least a thousand times like a stupid broken record playing the same stupid verse.
It was the night before I left for vacation, sitting in his room, watching TV. “Didn’t I tell you to stop smoking?” Michael exclaimed in disgust, pulling his lips away from me, obviously tasting the nicotine on my breath. Laughing playfully I failed to realize that he was serious and this would be the basis for yet another ridiculous fight. Stretching out on the bed, while letting out a big yawn, I asked him, “Babe, can we just stay in tonight and watch a movie?” “You can stay in, but at your house!” he said with attitude slamming the bathroom door. Raising my voice so he could clearly hear me I yelled, “Excuse me mister, you’re allowed to smoke? But I’m not?” I rolled my eyes and decided that talking to the dog would be more fun at that moment than attempting to hold a conversation with the most stubborn person in the world. I urged Sparky onto the bed with me, playfully rubbing his belly, while the dog began to lick my leg. “You don’t mind that I smoke, do ya Sparky? Nah, see he loves me anyway!” Michael opened the door rolling his eyes repeatedly at me, as I began to laugh. “Ya, sure that’s why he bit you last weekend!” Michael exclaimed. He decided that my laughter was his invite to break the hostility, “Get her boy”, he commanded, urging the dog to chase me while tackling me onto the bed. “Don’t you dare kiss me”, he whispered and placed a finger over my lips. Damn it, I thought to myself, he couldn’t still be mad? Looking into his hazel eyes I gave him an Eskimo kiss and said, “Even though you don’t wanna kiss me I still love you”. His heart was racing; I could feel it beating on my chest… or was that my heart? I couldn’t even be sure anymore. “You’re perfect,” he said out loud, running his fingers through my messy hair while gazing back into my eyes. He stopped, almost as if to say…but. There’s always but I thought. If it were physically possibly I would have kicked his ass right at that moment. Don’t look at me with those beautiful eyes and call me perfect if you don’t mean it, I thought to myself… But why don’t I think he means it? I knew I was perfect for him, not cocky, but confidant enough to know that we were amazing together. The past year had been like a fairy tale and fairy tales always have happy endings, don’t they? Too bad this is real life. “What’s wrong babe?” he asked me puzzled and uninterested. “Nothing, I’m just tired” I responded, obviously lying. “I know you better than that…” he replied, slowly losing his temper. “Nothing you just…” – The door started to open a crack as he jumped off of me, it was time for dinner. Saved by the bell, or saved by the mom I should say. Yes, I call her mom… it’s amazing she hasn’t attempted to adopt me yet. I lay there on the bed for few minutes, thoughts racing through my head, obviously unpleased to a point. He looked at me, knowing exactly what was going through my head… “Come on Smokey, before I feed your food to Sparky instead” Michael said, leaning in to kiss me almost as if he was trying to please me, and walked away. Every time he walked away I got that unpleasant flip flop feeling in my stomach, even if he was just walking out of the room like he had been that day, it looked so easy for him to say something and quickly leave. Always trust a gut feeling.
“Danielle… Danielle… DANIELLE”, Steven, my little brother, had relentlessly been trying to get my attention, which he had finally accomplished by throwing a football at my legs. At that moment in time I could have been in Times Square on News Years Eve and I still don’t think I would have even been aware of my surroundings. “What do you want?” I yelled back, obviously aggravated. “We’re going surfing, and mommy wanted me to make sure you were okay”, he said in the sweetest way possible. Now I felt bad for answering him like such a jerk, I ran over to him and gave him a hug saying, “Yes, I’m alright kiddo… I’ll be there in a little while, just do me a favor?” Looking up at me with those adorable blue eyes he shook his head and said, “Anything Danielle”. “Don’t ever break a girls heart”, I said with a lot of force in my voice, as if I was teaching him a very important lesson and he had better be paying attention. Puzzled and looking at me like I was Medusa, having more than one head, my ten year old little brother said to me, “I would never… especially not yours”.
Even though I was an emotional rollercoaster at that point I was still very determined to not let Michael ruin the rest of my vacation. That’s what the text message had said right? “I don’t want to ruin your vacation, but I think we should just be friends for now, I just need some time to think”. Stupid asshole. I hate when boys do that. I would so much rather have someone say that they don’t have feelings for me anymore or that they’re interested in someone else, as opposed to “I just need some time to think”. There’s a theory that psychologists use… it’s called “the tip-of-the-tongue-phenomenon”. It’s defined exactly how it sounds. The words are said to be right on the “tip-of-the-tongue” before the person forgets what he or she is about to say… this to me, is bullshit. I think people normally know exactly what they were about to say, but mostly hold them selves back because they aren’t so sure that those words would be good to use, or simply just scared of what the reaction of the other person might entail. It makes perfect sense, holding back something that you know you want to say, but just can’t – what a great excuse this phenomenon really is… “It was on the tip-of-my-tongue, but now I just can’t remember what I was going to say”. Personally I don’t hold anything back… Michael, well he doesn’t say enough.
The rest of my vacation was a big blur. It consisted of sunbathing, reading several books, drinking sangria on the deck, and knocking some sense into my head. Michael succeeded in ruining most it, almost as well as Facebook succeeded in informing all of my friends of our breakup. Now it’s two months later and parts of me are still not over him. Of course I miss him, but at this point it’s not that I miss him as much as my boyfriend, I just miss the person that became my best friend. I’ve tried my hardest to not become one of those jealous ex girlfriends; of course I’m not jealous of his new girl… I just want everything she has. Sure my heart was broken, but it was simply dealing with the truth, and once you’ve heard it, and accepted it, well it makes it that much easier to take a step out of the tunnel, in the other direction. Each thing that you un-train yourself to do, like calling him every night before you go to sleep or always looking at his away messages, well they’re each a step. Soon the steps come quicker and easier and soon enough, well your running like hell… away from him. Away from a part of your life that you have now accepted to be over with, away from a love that would have broken your heart every chance you let it. And once it’s gone, well you can live again. The days they come and go easier, the highs and lows even out. And soon enough you have your life back…. just without him in it. But no matter how badly something is hurting us, letting it go hurts even worse.
Authors bio is coming up shortly. 