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Anorexia is more than a disease. It’s a mindset, a person, and a way of life. In a way it’s like a religion, with its followers praying to bones. It takes over the life of anyone around it, affecting everyone in one way or another. But it’s followers; those are the people it changes most. Its followers are the ones that Anorexia sacrifices.

Some people who are given the title of Anorexic are also deemed crazy. Many claim to hear it speaking to them. It is a voice inside their head, a companion that is with them always. Anorexia is a friend and an enemy to those who hear it. But there is one thing that it’s disciples all seem to have in common, they can’t help but follow its commands.

Nicknamed Ana by many, Anorexia takes over the world of its host. They can’t help but obsess. Ana is their life. Calories, hours at the gym, weight and fat hold priority above everything else in its devotee’s mind.

The heartless, lonely world of Ana can come crashing down on you any time and any place. For me it was sleep away camp.

“Oh, are you on weight watchers?” Richard asked. He was a sweet kid, quiet, nice, never mean on purpose. He didn’t mean it in a bad way, I told myself. He probably misheard something you were saying. It’s nothing. Don’t worry about it.

But despite the calming voice inside my head I stood up without a word and headed to the bathroom.

The voice in my head started to panic. But this time it wasn’t my own voice. I would come to later call it Ana.

Okay, think of every book or movie you’ve ever known. Remember the times they made themselves throw up? Good, good. Copy that. All right, steady now. No crying. You need to focus. Okay, fingers to the back of your throat. Now move them around. Okay, nothing’s happening. Just wait be patient. Okay-

            The new voice inhabiting my mind was quiet for a moment as chewed up bread began pouring out from between my fingers.

Again!

            I did as the voice instructed. Ana kept me going until it was all out. I felt the hollow space where my food had been before. I couldn’t remember ever being so empty.

Now tomorrow you’ll pretend to eat. Move the food around with your fork. You’re very good at this, quite a natural. I’m proud of you. Don’t worry; soon we’ll have you so thin that no one could EVER think you were on weight watchers. Don’t fret, you aren’t crazy. I’m you, but I’m the skinny, perfect you. I want what’s best for you baby, follow my advice.

            And just like Ana’s many disciples, I did.

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