It’s 3:30am and the alarm clock goes off. The alarm clock is not a normal one. This alarm clock is not sold in any stores but if it was, it would be worth at least a Billion dollars because it guarantees you will WAKE UP. This alarm clock doesn’t have the actual time on it, doesn’t have a sleep feature, doesn’t have a radio in it, doesn’t have any bells or buzzers on it. In fact, you can’t even see this alarm clock until its time to wake up? (Pretty amazing alarm, don’t you think?)
If every house hold had an alarm clock like this, it would be absolutely impossible to “Sleep in”. You would NEVER ever be late for anything that involved you getting up from bed. Wouldn’t you love to get your hands on an alarm clock like that? (I would…wait what am I talking about, I know everything about it)
This alarm clock had a very special name and for some reason I felt is was specially designed for me. Want to know what it was called?
NO?.. why not? I’m telling you, you’ll never believe the name of it. Ok, are you sitting down? If your not, go grab yourself a chair – strap yourself in (tight) and listen to this…
The Alarm Clock was called…. (Drum roll please)…. MY MOTHER!
You heard me right, it was called My Mother. Let me show you how effective the My Mother (alarm clock) was. Like I said, it’s 3:30am (who wakes up at 3:30am?… well apparently I do) and it’s time to get up. Did I mention at all that I was six years old at the time? Name me one kid (boy or girl) who gets up at 3:30am? I didn’t think so.
My mother comes into my room, lightly pulls off the covers, gently gives me a kiss on the forehead and tells me to get up. No… wait that Mother Alarm clock never made it to market – the designers said it would never work (Boy were they right) The “Real” Mother Alarm clock worked like this. I felt my feet being pulled by my ankles (at supersonic speed – my eyes popped open, I had no idea if I was coming or going?) and next thing I felt is my head resting on the foot of bed (at first I thought I was dreaming) and then CRASH my head hits the floor, no warning, no nothing (I definitely wasn’t dreaming). The Mother alarm clock had no mercy on nobody (can you see now how it’s impossible to sleep in?). I’m seeing stars (like you wouldn’t) and all I hear is “Hurry up, were going to be late!”. Now if we were going to Disney Land, they hey all the power to the Mother Alarm Clock but guess where I was going?…
C H E R R Y P I C K I N G!!!!! Yahoo!… talk about the time of your life (believe you me, I became a Legend in Cherry Picking).
I was up and ready in less than five seconds. Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you. The Mother Alarm clock comes with a feature that dresses you as well. I’m in the car, its pitch black outside. You had to drive with your high beams on just to see two feet in front of you (now that’s dark). I had no idea how long of a drive it was, all I wanted to do was Sleep.
We arrive at the farm. We get out of the car and the Birds were still sleeping? (And my moms said hurry up or were going too late??). You know it’s early when you don’t see or hear a bird in the sky. Suddenly I heard “Hey…who’s down there?” (That was the birds talking to each other). We pulled out the flashlights (I’m telling you, it was Dark!) and walk towards the farm house. We meet the farmer and he says to my mom “What’s with the kid (me)?” My mom tells him “Never you mind, were you want us to start picking?”. Even the farmer had a sense; you don’t mess around with the Mother Alarm Clock. He pointed us into the right direction. My mother asked him “how much you pay me for basket?” The farmer replies .10 cents a basket. My mom felt like she just won the lottery and grabs my hand and were running (not walking) in the dark to the tree’s.
We get to the tree and everything is waiting for us. A ladder, a harness (that holds the basket) and a bunch of empty baskets. Now the name of the game is the more you pick, the more money you make. I’ve never picked cherries before, I have no idea what to do – so I followed my mom. I’m watching her and doing what she was doing, then POW – I’m on the ground (Like I got hit by a bull dozer). Turns out I was slowing my mother down and she just wanted to “move” me over. Well I landed at the tree beside us.
Now I got my own tree. I’m up the ladder right to tip of the tree. I grab my first cherry and put it in the basket. I look in the basket and that one cherry didn’t fill much of the basket up. I’m thinking (mind you I was six) this is going to take all day to fill this basket (pretty smart no?) So I get my brain thinking and I come up with a wicked idea. What if I grab the branches and start shaking them until the cherries fall off. I know what your thinking – “Great idea but run it by your mother first” Well it’s a little to late for that advise because I decided to just do it (like Nike says). I grab a branch and shake it till I was dizzy. The cherries started pouring down (I told you it was a good idea) and my mom sees me picking the cherries off the ground and loses it. “What are you doing” she says. “What?… I’m picking cherries” I said. “Don’t move” she says. “You’ll crush all the cherries with your feet and we will have nothing to pick”. Well that idea didn’t work and I was back up the ladder and picking the cherries one by one.
Have any of you picked cherries before? Let me tell you its very boring and it will drive you to drink. I had about fifty cherries in the basket and I had enough. I didn’t have breakfast (the Mother Alarm clock didn’t come with that feature) so I decided to eat a few cherries. Well a few turned into a lot which turned into a lot more which turned into a basket which turned into a TREE. I eat a whole tree, not one cherry on it. My mother comes over and sees the tree empty. She couldn’t believe it (I think she thought cherry picking was my calling in life). Good job (In Italian) she says (yeah that’s the same mom who woke me up by letting my head crash to the floor). She was looking for the (full) baskets of cherries, already doing the math figuring out how many baskets a tree could fill and she figured I must have picked about $100 worth or cherries. She’s looking around but finds nothing. She was about to ask me where the baskets were but sees me holding my stomach and moaning. My mom asks “What’s da matter with you?”. I told her my stomach was hurting. She says “Well that’s because you no eat the breakfast”. “Eat some cherries and you’ll feel better”. I told her “No…its ok I don’t feel like cherries right now (matter of fact to this day I don’t “feel like” cherries anymore). Well my mother finds out I didn’t pick any cherries (Yes I did, fifty of them remember?) and gives me a motivation to continue. Guess what it was?… (Pretend I’m playing the theme song from Jeopardy to give you some time to think) 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Ok… times up. If you guessed FEAR – give yourself 20,000 points and you’re the new Jeopardy Champ (your starting to understand my mother). For everyone else who got it wrong, shame on you – the only way you will understand my mother is to read my other stories (go do it now…wait – well since your almost done, you might as well finish reading the story and then go).
Well I’m all fired up (wouldn’t you be) and ready to break the record for the most cherries picked by a six year old. I was climbing those trees like a monkey (I didn’t need the ladder anymore; it was slowing me down (ha). I was picking cherries faster than the trees could grow them. In no time the ground was covered with baskets full of cherries (I swear I picked enough cherries to cure world hunger – but I gave it to the farmer instead, Hey… I didn’t know people were starving). I told my mother my fingers were bleeding and I needed a break (When you got Fear in you, you have no idea when quitting time is). I burned off that tree full of cherries I ate and I was starving. I think I lost a few pounds that morning.
The farmer came by to “check up” on us and when he saw all the baskets full of cherries, his eyes popped out of his head. He ran to the road side flagging cars down asking people he needed help to carry all the baskets we picked (his tractor wasn’t big enough) to the farm house. There were cars parked a mile long along the side of the road. Everywhere you looked, someone had a basket in there hands, and people were climbing all over each other trying to grab a basket. It was like Michael Jackson (poor guy, I feel sorry for him – his best album was Thriller) was there signing autographs.
The farmer pulls me aside and said “how the hell did you pick so many cherries?”. I told him “Have you met my mother?” “No” he says, well then you’ll never understand.
The Funny Guy
